This has been brewing a long time….

While I was hiking on Mt. Duval last Sunday I was talking with a new friend. We had met on Canada day and hung out a bit, it’s always amazing how ‘fast’ people can become a friend when you are travelling or living in remote places! Anyways I had mentioned how I’m always so hard on myself. Often thinking garbage thoughts about myself, and putting myself down because I’m a huge, awkward, F-Ugly(my personal combo of Fat and Ugly)…and well there are a whole bunch of other really amazing words I could choose to put in here that I use to describe myself but frankly that’s not the point. After I went on that ‘tirade’ I ended it by saying, “And I’m really trying not to think these things, it’s just so darn hard because part of it is true…I am a larger person and I HATE how the society we live in looks at ‘larger’ people frankly it’s not fair! Even though I think I’m the ‘most’ fit obese person I know! I mean how many others my shape and size could climb a MOUNTAIN that is 671m high-not ONCE but 2 times in 3 weeks!??—in like 4 hours up and back!?” She just looked at me and said, “Well there is ONE thing you can change-if you really want to.” I’ve been thinking about that statement since.

Part of me wanted to scream out; I’ve been trying for so long I can’t even remember NOT trying to change! I mean I’ve worked out with a trainer give or take 4 years—(who has become an amazing friend and mentor!)… This seems like something I’ve fought for so long—high school or even before that. Part of me is afraid to type this because I’m afraid I will never change, I’ll always be that ‘bigger’ girl and then it will be just another ‘failed attempt’ to add to the pile of many times I've said... "I WILL DO THIS". But it seems different right now... I totally feel like NOW is the time for change--almost like it's NOW or NEVER. For that reason I am sitting here typing this and sharing it with you—perhaps some of you might think this is inappropriate on such a ‘public’ forum but frankly I think I need to type it and post it as if to ‘claim’ it and make it happen.

So how have I been making it happen?? I've decided couch surfing isn't going to do it!! This week I’ve been walking at 7am with a friend…the first two days I woke her up with a ring of the doorbell and today was my turn! It is great to get out and walk at that time of day, it’s so quiet we walk about an hour then come back and get ready to go to work for 8:30am! It’s been a great routine and I hope to keep it up—because already this week I’ve NOTICED the difference in me at work. I have extra energy in the morning and am not dragging my feet so much!

Tonight I was sitting watching So You Think You Can Dance? and I got this urge to go for a run.(which is kind of weird and new for me--but i'm not quite at a 'full' run it's more of a jog and walk!) I looked outside at the sun it was shining brightly in my living room—it’s been so warm today (15C)…so I said to myself I’ll go at 10pm when the show is over. Then I was like NO I can tape the rest of the show but I need to go now when I have this urge to run. So that's what I did. I ended up running/walking/jogging (yes I’m not quite there for a full run for 30mins, I’m not sure I’ll ever be but I enjoy my glimpses of what is it like to run!) to the point on the road to where we walk in the morning. How long did this run/walk take you might ask? If in the morning I do it in an hour? Well tonight I did it in 30mins pretty darn good considering I didn’t ‘run’ the whole thing….

I guess I’m sharing this because it’s still a struggle—sit on the couch or go for a run and watch the sun dip behind the mountains? I sure hope this becomes less of a struggle…and my hope is that I stop feeling so yucky about myself. I like to think that I hide my insecurities well—and others of you know my struggles because I’ve vented to you about them over the years. I’m working on it—one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. But it’s still going to be hard… thanks for listening, and supporting me...